


"eggs"

by spaceguts



Category: Free!
Genre: Crack, Crack Fiction, Eggs, M/M, NSFW, Pancakes, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-09 21:30:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3265016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceguts/pseuds/spaceguts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>an erotic harurin crack fic that will flip your pancakes</p>
            </blockquote>





	"eggs"

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this when i was stuck in my dorm during a blizzard, but other than that i have no other excuses for this.  
> i'm just happy i created this short yet beautiful piece of literature bc i've been stuck in a huge writer's block for the longest time.  
> .. this really doesn't have anything to do with free! at all, but i guess that's the point of a crack fic?  
> (i wrote this for humorous reasons only! if you value your safety, do not try to recreate the scenes from my piece) (i mean go for it if you rlly want to but i highly advise against it.. it IS a crack fic after all)  
> (ps: it's kind of rlly nsfw)

it was so friggin' cold out, haru thought that the boogers in his nose were going to turn into snot-sicles.  
"heh, if it gets any colder, i think my snot's gonna freeze." rin teased, seemingly reading haru's thoughts.  
it was the middle of a blizzard, but haru and rin needed to do some grocery shopping. at first, it was haru who was going to go out real quick and grab some food (to prepare for the blizzard), but he didn't leave early enough. the storm blew in earlier than expected and rin decided to tag along to protect him.  
walking side by side, haru could feel the heat radiating from rin's hot body. even with rin's heater-like torso, haru couldn't help but shiver. i mean, they were walking to the grocery store in the middle of a blizzard after all.  
"it's so cold out, i wish i wore more layers." haru said, rubbing his arms briskly to warm up.  
"here, let me help you warm up."  
"what are y-" but before haru could object, rin lifted up his jacket and haru was engulfed. haru felt his face grow red as he came into realization of the situation.  
he could feel the heat of rin's man breasts against his spine and... was that.. a boner? oh yes, he felt rin's dong expanding as it poked his buttocks and a rush of pleasure shot through his body. if only they were this close back at home... in bed.... rolling around together....... _nekkid_............  
"alright, let's try to walk" rin said, snapping haru back into reality.  
that was going to be difficult.. basically they were sharing the same jacket, haru in front and rin in back. it didn't help that rin had a raging erection, either..  
blushing, haru tried to distract himself from rin's body. "u-uh, what if we both stepped forward with the same foot?"  
"like this?" rin asked, attempting to walk, but tripped in the process, sending him toppling on top of haru.  
"whoa, sorry!" rin exclaimed, crushing haru beneath him.  
haru didn't complain tho. it was kind of erotic, grinding in between the concrete and rin.  
"i-it's okay.." haru choked out.  _i like the pain_  he thought.  
all of a sudden they're moment was interrupted when a familiar voice sounded out.  
"get a room, you two!!"  
rin and haru turned their attention to the voice, only to find out it was no other than nagisa, who was accompanied by rei.  
"nice one!" rei exclaimed, shooting his hand towards nagisa, who responded by slapping his hand with a high-five.  
why the fuck were they even out durring a blizzard?? i mean, rin and haru had groceries to get, but idk what rei and nagi were doing.. maybe they just liked walking in below-freezing temperatures while ice and snow pelted their faces at 30+ miles an hour.  
as they walked off laughing, rin struggled to his feet, hoisting haru up with him, who was still trapped underneath the jacket.  
a few minutes passed as they figured out a walking strategy while being trapped in the coat. when they finally did, they waddled a block and finally reached the grocery store.  
once they reached the entrance and the sliding doors closed behind them, rin spread his arms and with a dazzling burst of white light, haru erupted from the jacket, which was now completely ruined.  
"that was.." haru started, breathing heavily, "amazing.." he finished.  
"thank you," rin replied, heaving and sweating, "you were really good."  
the cashier, who was the only other person in the store, started clapping. "that was the most beautiful thing i've ever seen." he exclaimed, tears streaking down his cheeks. then, a pure light shone through his orifices and it was clear that his soul ascended at that very second. the cashier was dead.  
"rest in fucking pieces." rin said.  
"doesn't this mean that everything in the store is...  ** _fu-ree_**?" haru asked.  
"HELL FUCKIN YEAH" RIN SCREAMED, GRABBING HIS TORN JACKET AND STUFFING THE POCKETS WITH EVERYTHING HE COULD GRAB.  
haru joined him, grabbing empty grocery bags and clearing the shelves.  
"let's go." rin stated, arms full of groceries, as he ran out the door, haru following right behind.  
it didn't take long for them to get back to their place, it was only a block away.  
once they reached the safety of their home, they dropped all their bags on the ground.  
"i haven't had that much fun in ages!" rin chimed happily.  
"me either, that was a blast." haru replied, looking up at rin.  
"well, it was all because you were there." rin whispered, meeting eyes with haru. he reached out and cupped haru's cheek in his palm.  
"let's have some more fun." rin's deep and husky voice resonating inside haru's ear holes.  
"make my tatas dance." haru responded, groping rin's sweet honey roasted nuts, making him yelp.  
"make me make that fucking sound." rin moaned, his breath hot on haru's neck.  
grabbing the butter from the nearest grocery bag, haru started unwrapping the stick with his teeth, peeling back the wrapper teasingly as rin started to yank haru's shirt and pants off, ogling his body.  
rin was stopped in his tracks when haru grabbed his shirt collar and pulled his face in, their tongues interlocking and tumbling in and out of each other's mouths.  
haru slowly inched his hand down rin's pants, caressing his stinky pickle. their tongues still intertwined, he fiddled with rin's shirt until it peeled off his sweaty body like soggy toilet paper. haru tightly gripped the butter and slid it up and down rin's abdomen, making rin wince at the butter's coolness against his hot and throbbing body.  
"mm, you're body's so hot i could make pancakes on it.." haru groaned, breaking away from their intimate kiss.  
"well, i'm already covered in butter.. and i think we took some pancake mix from the store.." rin whined, haru's grip still strong on his yogurt slinger.  
"hold that thought." haru said, pressing a finger to rin's lips and kissing him again. with his feet, haru managed to grab the pancake mix, water, and eggs from the grocery bags.  
then he forcefully pushed rin onto the couch, ripping his hand from rin's dinkle, which made him whimper with pleasure. haru took the pancake mix, and ripped it open with his teeth, bathing rin in the sweet powder.  
rin went to rub the powder out of his eyes, but before he could reach his hands up, haru pinned them both down on the couch. "nuh-uh, i want to see you cry."  
blinking, rin's eyes watered. it hurt, but it felt so nice.  
"that's a good boy." haru smiled down at rin sadistically, pouring water all over his face.  
"uuughh" rin let out, as haru sat on his lap, grinding their crotches together.  
then, with brute force, haru SMACKED A DOZEN EGGS STRAIGHT ONTO RIN'S CHEST, RUBBING THE YOLK AND SHELLS INTO HIS RAW SKIN.  
"mm, pancakes." haru cooed, slowly sliding across rin's torso, his breast against rin's abdomen. haru then started to lick the batter off of his chest, gliding his tongue across rin's nip nops.  
letting out a groan, rin screamed "MORE EGGS."  
with a smile, haru got up and flipped rin onto his stomach, ripping off the clothes that rin had left on.  
leaving rin completely helpless and naked on the couch, haru left momentarily and came back with a carton full of eggs. "let's see how much you can take." he uttered, taking an egg and pushing it far into rin's anal cavity.  
rin let out a pleasing groan. "m-more," he muttered, "i'm gonna squirt."  
haru slapped rin's ass and with a satisfying squelch, managed to squeeze six more eggs into rin's butthole before he sprinkled all over the couch.  
collapsing over rin, haru passionately embraced rin with a sweet kiss.  
"that was so good." haru heaved.  
"yeah.." rin began, breathing heavily, "but i'm not going to be able to shit for weeks."  
haru let out a light laugh. "heh, not with seven eggs up your butt you won't."  
and with that, they kissed again and both drifted off into the void.


End file.
